Monday, March 3, 2008

Good News for Most, Bad News for Paris Hilton

All right, so we began the March month of 2008 with quite a gag, here in Minnesota. I can't exactly begin to describe how awful the weather was yesterday. The air was wet, for Christ's sake. And the moisture was at about 30-38 degrees Farenheit. While that isn't totally figid, it made me feel like I was in a pretty crappy sauna. In short, before I get caught up projecting my disgust at yesterday's meteorological condition for longer than a paragraph (which for many is probably too damn long anyway), I will just say that it was the worst weather in the history of weather itself. And now today it's about 17 degrees. Global warming my ass.

Okay, moving on. I read in a month-old issue of Newsweek two nights ago about something pretty awesome that I'm sure many people are aware of, but in any case, I will express my amusement and thoughts on it. Back in December, the hotel magnate Barron Hilton (what a name) bequeathed his $2.3 billion fortune to charity. Being the grandfather of that worthless afterbirth with an extremely distracting lazy eye known to many as Paris, and her sister Nikki, he of course felt the need to spread that wealth. Only about $5 million each though. Now I know that we all would love to obtain 5 million bucks for simply existing, but that is chump change to the Hiltons. For them, that's the kind of money you could lose by accident outside of your local club when you've had too much to drink and just shrug off because you know that you have enough spare change to make up for it. I have no doubt that Nikki Hilton will probably be okay because she, as far as I know, has a job in fashion design or some such nonsense. She'll invest it or something equally sensible. Paris, however, our young friend Paris, being the neo (or faux)-feminist (you know, the type of girl that will use her body to get ahead in the world and label it as "self-determination" and "overcoming obstacles"; the Girls Gone Wild type) that she is, will have a little bit of trouble. She's made some money being on the Simple Life for those years and has done some film gigs, but regardless, I can't imagine that that 5 million dollars is going to last long. She's one of those women who will never wear the same outfit twice, I feel, and probably incinerates her clothing after she wears it for a day. Now I know that will probably keep the gonorrhea, chlamydia, and just the general venerial filth festering in her body at bay from spreading throughout the rest of the world, but the motives matter very little in this argument. She will blow through that money like a blow-torch on fucking butter. I can't imagine that she's happy about this snub. Personally, I see this as a victory. Is that shallow? I think a tad, sure, but I mean...all right, this is a quite cruel statement, or series of statements, but...okay, Paris Hilton deserves NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. And there is, in my opinion, no shame in participating in revelry at her own pathetic failures. She is worthless, or even beyond worthless. In other words, if she died in some way or another, I truly would not care. Well I would care, if you can call a satisfied chuckle caring. Okay that may be too far. But in any event, she is the embodiment of what is not only wrong with many young women in America today, but what is wrong with American popular culture itself.
How did Paris Hilton become famous? Seriously consider this question. We all knew who she was back in 2000-2002, but only vaguely. She was just some dumb blonde who had a family that owned one of the biggest hotel chains in the known world. Some of you might believe that she entered the spotlight when her new show, "The Simple Life" premiered in 2003. This is true, that is when her face became plastered all over TV for a good few years. But think about it: what was released to the public's scrutiny and became the topic of conversation around the water cooler during the few month period before "The Simple Life" premiered? That's right, the Paris Hilton sex tape. That horrid piece of amateur pornography whose night vision became the brunt of many comedian's jokes during that period. The sex tape became the new Michael Jackson. In other words, it became the punchline on the tip of everyone's voyeuristic tongue. There was a rush to put a cap on that video from Hilton's people and supposedly there was a lawsuit attempting to be made, but from what I understand, it was settled out of court. I don't truly know, but that is immaterial. My point is that if she and her family really wanted to put a stop to that video's circulation, they could have. But it is EVERYWHERE. Look it up on Google. You will literally get 3.5 million matches. Done the math yet? This tape was released before "The Simple Life"'s premiere. I'm not saying that Paris had anything to do with its release, but they clearly did very little, if nothing to stop it. And sure enough, the ratings for "The Simple Life" sky-rocketed.
Now I don't want to hear anything about her exploiting her exploitation but making the hubbub into "good publicity." She lives and breathes by the credo of there being no such thing as bad publicity, which is much more than a crock of shit. Her belief of there being no such thing as bad publicity is simply an excuse; it is excusing the nature of what it appears show-business has become. Sadly, though, she proved the statement of no such thing as bad publicity patently true when "The Simple Life" became a hit and her (quite monumentally unattractive) face became known across the globe. In other words, she fully knew what she was getting her amoralistic self into when she participated in the making of one of the most successful amateur pornographic videos of all time.
On a lighter note, she made claims in interviews, such as the more recent one in Rolling Stone that she "had never done anything like that before," referring to the fellating of her then-boyfriend's member. Right. Now if ANYONE has seen pornography before, and THEN sees "1 Night In Paris," you'll know that she, as the saying goes, lies like a fucking rug.
Now finally, I must recognize that by simply talking about this pathetic waste-of-space-and-existence-it-fucking-self, I am reinforcing the discourse on her. I truly see my hypocrisy in that, but think about this: by not talking about her, her popularity will not change: it will stay strong, and my incredibly and irritatingly fed up banter on her will go unheard. And the last thing I want is for people to think that I don't despise who she comes across as on TV and everything that represents.