Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Tequila is vile and makes me vomit

I literally would like nothing more than to see Tila Tequila mauled to death by a pack of diseased rabid dogs. Okay, that may be a bit excessive (what? me, excessive?). But every time I see that rat-like face appear on TV (don't ask me what I'm doing browsing MTV) or Myspace ads or wherever, I can feel the vein in my temple protrude forth just a little bit further and twitch three or four times.

But the fundamental question is this: how did Ms. "Tequila" get famous, anyway? Of course, the primary way many young American women today attain that coveted Fifteen Minutes of Fame: by being a shameless whore in some form or another and because she happens to have funny-lookin' eyes and supposedly likes to munch carpet every now and then. Yes, the two most coveted fetishizations in white American male culture, thank you very much Escape Ultra Lounge and Girls Gone Wild. Read my lips: spare me.

But racial and sexuality fetishizations aside, she essentially became famous, relatively speaking, as early as 2003-2004 when she amassed an army of Myspace friends numbering in the hundreds of thousands. Keep in mind that this is when there were only about 500,000 people even on Myspace. I remember getting the friend request one day my senior year of high school and upon seeing it, I paroused her pictures for a couple hours (RESEARCH GODDAMN IT). But in all seriousness, I went to her profile and was aghast that someone could have over 100,000 friends, let alone over 300,000. It was astonishing. I thought that maybe she was famous, that she had done something worth mentioning. I couldn't find anything; I guess she was a model or something. I didn't know, and I still don't. Next thing we know, we have a retarded TV show (one of the multitudes of competitive dating shows...oh but WAIT...there's men AND women...oooohhh ssssscandalousssss!!) starring this abortion of celebrity culture and music that sounds like children being raped and tortured in a dark and dank Eli Roth-esque warehouse (though hearing Emily sing it is hilarious and awesome).

In case you couldn't really tell, Tila Tequila just makes me mad. Yeah, I know that life is too short to get worked up over shit like that. I honestly don't care. It's how I vent. Tila Tequila makes me angry because she is the umpteenth young woman in America to use that dark and dank Eli Roth-esque space between her legs to get famous. Now I realize that she might not be that stupid and is being an opportunist and is cashing in on these fetishizations that exist today and for that I'd have to say congratulations. Good for her. But what makes me so angry is that she just happened to be the first person to do it. It would have happened either way. And that inevitability, at the core, is why it gets me worked up.

Tila Tequila's fame pisses me off. Now Flavor Flav's continued fame through his show...that just depresses me. I would rant about that, but thinking about it, I just cannot stop weeping and pining for the days when "Yeahhh boooiiiii" was part of the hip-hop lexicon and not some nonsense catch-phrase we associate with a show where a bunch of horrifyingly unattractive hoochies compete for the affection (read: The All Mighty Dollar) of a wrinkled, washed-up, ex-member of one of the greatest hip-hop groups of all time. Thank Christ it isn't Chuck D.