Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The R Word

No, this is sadly not a steamy new show on Lifetime or HBO (yes I stole that one from Jon Stewart and Lewis Black). It's the evil, repugnant, blatantly OFFENSIVE term "retarded." All I can say to anyone at this point who is taking part in utilizing this politically correct-ridden "term" are these three words: KISS MY DICK.

I should give some background. About a week ago or so, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel referred to people on the far left as "fucking retards" (something I don't fully disagree with...) Our former half-governor of Alaska/Facebook frequenter Sarah Palin was of course outraged. "How DARE Mr. Emanuel make light of MY very serious condition!" she proclaimed loudly. She of course widened the scope when speaking at the recent Tea Party Convention and expressed with disdain at the disgraceful manner in which Emanuel joked about the very people which filled that room with so little regard for all of the difficult hurdles they all have had to overcome in their lives. Okay in all seriousness, following Palin's expressed outrage and desire for Emanuel to resign, Rush Limbaugh made it a point to proclaim that Emanuel was not so off-target in his assessment of far left groups (fuck...I agree, even somewhat, with Rush Limbaugh with something...I should probably ACTUALLY go cut off my finger for that one) and THEN when Palin was called out by Chris Wallace for her spokeswoman essentially defending Rush Limbaugh while still calling for Emanuel's resignation, she simply claimed that Rush's three dozen-plus uses of the word "retard" was "satire" (what with the layers of depth and wit being expressed by that blubbery, petulant whale of a man). So of course following this series of back-and-forth deflects and defenses, the media, as usual, turned into a complete circus and essentially MSNBC, CNN, and Fox News all devoted at least one portion of their air time to discussing the ins and outs of this debate. Needless to say, it was quite retarded.

During the past week or so of this boondoggle (one of my new favorite words), the replacement term "the R word" came into usage. Now I don't know about any of you, but I don't think I've ever heard the word "retard" be turned into something akin to only those in that group being allowed to say it (though it seems most of the people utilizing this term are, well...let's just say again that it includes Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh). Insults aside, apparently the word "retarded" is now an offensive and cacophonous epithet.

Now Sarah Palin, who parades her baby with Down's Syndrome around like it's a goddamn retarded trophy (or, more accurately, a retarded shield), has done something quite genius in its simplicity (or possibly, its retardedness, a new word for Oxford, thank you). She has gotten the cameras not only to remain swiveled on her until it's appropriate to announce she's running in 2012, she has gotten both sides to cater to her narcissism and essentially create some sort of new exclusivity of use of the word retarded or retard. Rush Limbaugh (after facing criticism) and Chris Wallace alike, as well as other people taking part in this discussion on cable news, have allowed themselves to get suckered into using this idiotic "safe way" of saying "retarded." This shouldn't even be a discussion at all. But Sarah Palin has done something remarkable. Not only has she created this inane discussion and caused it to get transformed into a "valid topic" she has done something much more insidious: she has dominated the use of language itself. She has essentially told us through the media that it isn't okay to say the word "retarded." She has used her status as a mother of a retarded infant to define what is and what is NOT appropriate to say. This is disturbing when this happens, especially when it's a word in common usage that has no other real alternative and isn't offensive to begin with (and please spare me if the only retort to that is saying that certain racial epithets "used to be acceptable"; this is a very different situation). When people do this and proclaim something is offensive when it really is not, it dilutes ACTUAL discussion about things that ACTUALLY matter. It distracts us from real issues, pretty much the only strategy a lot of conservatives have right now. It retards discourse, so to speak.

Like I said, what Sarah Palin has done is pretty crafty. I don't believe I really have any reason to be cynical enough to think that usage of the term "R word" will stick in the long run, but I wouldn't be surprised if something so, well, retarded happened, considering one of the grandest offenses in mainstream America today is to be un-PC. Now I know you don't call someone who actually IS retarded a retard in the context of insult (even though it's doubtful they could wrap their heads around it anyway), but come on. Retarded is just a word and well, frankly, IT'S A WORD OF COMMON USAGE. To call something "retarded" in order to classify it as stupid is NOT OFFENSIVE. "Retarded" means "slowed or delayed" and "to make slow, impeded, or hindered" and "stupid, obtuse, or ineffective." To call someone retarded or a retard is to say that their intelligence can be applied to any of these things. In other words, stupid people are retarded. "Actual" retarded people have something called "Down's Syndrome."

So in closing, I say this to the opposition: proclaim from the rooftops that things are retarded. Pronounce a car running a red light and getting side-swiped to be driven by a retard. Pontificate that the so-called "humor" of Two and a Half Men was written by retards. Profess the notion that the blogger with the inflated sense of self-worth is a retarded gas-bag. And most importantly whenever you see Sarah Palin on television and especially when you hear that nails-on-a-blackboard folksy drivel that spills from her mouth, promulgate the fact that she is, at her core, nothing more than a retarded stewardess.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

What women are really saying about us

So I've noticed something about women.

It's the way you talk about us, the more brutish sex as I've taken to referring to myself and male compatriots as. And not in that mentally stunted "Sex in the City" or Lifetime Channel kind of way that involves bitching about commitment while eating a pint of Haagen Daaz. The only generalization I am confident enough to make about all of you is the way YOU imitate how WE speak. Almost like you all have this subconscious connection or something (like a bunch of dancers all menstruate at the same time, a real phenomenon I could not make up; I'm not that smart). But it's like you're all unique individuals until you hear us males speak; it's like your thoughts just automatically shift to this notion. I swear, EVERY FUCKING GIRL I KNOW imitates us in the same trogloditic way, like we're busy smashing rocks together when we're not out eating slabs of raw meat and clubbing wenches over the head before we have our way with them. According to you it's like we're all just *TALKING LIKE DIS ALL DA FUCKIN' TIME* (and you always seem to make us swear more than we normally do...well that part is pretty accurate, at least if you're talking about me...but I digress). And the best part is that every girl I've talked to about this always says the same thing, whether serious or in jest: "That's how you sound!" I somehow doubt this.