Wednesday, November 24, 2010

John Boehner settles once and for all the pronunciation of his name

Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio) called a press conference today to settle once and for all the pronunciation of his comically-spelled name that inevitably draws snickers from males of all ages across the country.

"I call upon all of us," Boehner said to a restless crowd in Washington D.C. earlier today, "to come together; the time for reconciliation is at hand. We must get past partisanship and recognize that it's pronounced 'BAY-ner'. Not 'boner'."

To be sure, a number of smirks were heard throughout the crowd gathered to hear the senator speak.

"Look, I've been teased about my name for as long as I can remember," Boehner continued, sternly looking across the crowd, though a hint of touching pensiveness and nostalgia seemed to cross his face. The senator faltered and stammered for a few moments, appearing as if he was attempting to stifle some tears before continuing:

"It's just not funny anymore, it's just not." He shook his head and seemed unable to continue and walked off-stage, visibly shaken.

Reports of riotous, collapse-inducing laughter following his spokesperson's subsequent statement because it contained the word "duty" are still coming in.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Tea Party Calls Upon 3-Month Old Infant as Presidential Hopeful for 2012

In a surprise move today, Tea Party spokespeople, including newly re-elected Minnesota 6th District Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, presented their nominee hopeful for the upcoming 2012 presidential race. Three-month-old Riley Stevenson of Clarkson, Kentucky was held aloft by Bachmann at a rally earlier today being proclaimed as the fresh new face of the Tea Party. While Stevenson was still unable to give a speech, as his vocal skills have yet to develop, Bachmann assured the crowd that Stevenson was the perfect respresentative of the Tea Party for the upcoming race.

"Riley is undoubtedly what we need in Washington right now," Bachmann proclaimed into the microphone to uproarious cheers, "he is completely unsullied by the typical politics of the liberal Washington bureaucracy and his guiding vision will be the beacon of real hope and change."

"We have nothing to fear since he doesn't even know what socialism is," Bachmann added, much to the adoration of the crowd.

When asked for comment, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs sighed. "We respect and admire the tenacity and energy of this movement. As to whether this new candidate poses a threat to President Obama's chances for re-election...we don't know. We just don't know. We're hunkering down and preparing for an ugly campaign."

"That goddamn baby is the fucking end for us," Vice President Joe Biden was overheard muttering, unaware his mic was still hooked up.

Other Democratic leaders are equally concerned with this development.

"We look at it as a challenge," Senate Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi said in a statement following the rally. "But this new candidate is indeed a fresh face in Washington; something that many people seem to want. He may be almost two years old by the time the 2012 primaries are wrapping up, but he still will be the newest face in the crowd. He's a real wild card, and that could present problems for us."

Riley Stevenson was unavailable for comment, as he has no conversational abilities as of yet.